Entry #79: Heartbreak (Quiet Thoughts)

Whoever I love doesn’t exist. Before I came to you, before I travelled across the continent to be with you, you were kind, loving and gentle. You made me smile, and in turn I made you smile. You charmed me and swept me off my feet like no other I had ever met. Before I fell in love with you, every lover I had broke my heart, they whispered false promises to me, leaving me empty inside. You filled the space in my heart and showed me that there is love that is true, and passionate. I felt your lips, your touch, and your body against mine. It felt like a dream come true, but like all dreams, it came undone into a nightmare. You put me aside, and kept me at a distance, you kept whatever was going on inside and cut me out. You left me in the cold, a place you said you never would leave me. Your touch became so sparse that just the touch of your hands was enough for me, until that stopped too. You couldn’t even look at me anymore, I felt invisible next to you. Did I repulse you that much? Was my being there in the flesh disappointing to you? I wish I could put all my emotion and pain into words, but it would go on for eternity, and I don’t want to waste any more energy on you. Old me would have felt it was my fault that I suffered so, but now I see, now I see that whatever it was, it’s you not me. I want to hate you, but I cannot, I only have room for pity and disappointment for you. You once dominated my thoughts, you  once commanded my spirit, and held my heart. You no longer do; you’ve ripped my heart from me and smashed it. You’ve wounded my spirit and tore my mind asunder. I see now that the love I had for you is not for you but for the ghost that once stood in your place. I deserve better. Goodbye.

• Quiet-Emerald